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lambda

Лице Иисуса в моем супе

Posted on 2011.06.03 at 02:02
Current Music: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - The Mercy Seat | Powered by Last.fm
An overanalysis:

How I can accept being a terrible person and a pretty great nihilistCollapse )

lambda

Update

Posted on 2011.06.02 at 16:34
Current Music: The Raincoats - No One's Little Girl | Powered by Last.fm
Сегодня я сказал моему менеджеру, что я был выход в сентябре и переехал в Торонто. Он не был счастлив, но он не расстроился.

Я думаю, что через три месяца был приемлемым срок предварительного предупреждения.

Теперь я абсолютно должны получить работу, если я собираюсь быть в состоянии съесть.

Мой менеджер сказал мне, что Торонто имеет хороший рынок труда, который по крайней мере, обнадеживает.

lambda

Red Right Hand

Posted on 2011.05.31 at 15:11
Current Music: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - The Weeping Song | Powered by Last.fm

This is a weeping song
But I won't be weeping long

In a Nick Cave kick. He sets me on a knife's edge. He puts me in a good mood.

Reading a book on visual semiotics. It offends me that I find books on semiotics difficult to absorb. I offend me that I find books on semiotics difficult to absorb. In theory, this is what I like to do at all times. I think the difference is that I'm not trying to posit that everything is the residue of some injustice or the other, which seems the most popular armchair form of it.
When calm and under throught I have nothing against being against injustice ... something about the prevalence of it, the passion involved, the gusto, the ejaculation, the expulsion of the claim from the one's frame (its basis, its origin), something about it bugs me for reasons I can't pin down.

Here's a hint I suppose, this week I've been wandering around assuming that every act and though I commit is a willful sustain of oppression. Since I'm not trying to find cracks and holes to poke through, I must be supporting the structure, patriarchy, technocracy, eurocentrism, sapienocentrism, the middle class! That's my best stream-of-conscious guess, my feeling, my emotion of gut. I dunno. I somewhat expect shadows to jump out and accuse me of everything right-wing and conservative and traditional.
Sometimes on the bus I worry about creeping women out if the bus is crowded and I have to sit beside them. This potential for discomfort is possibly less substantial than my own. Am I sick in worrying about this? Does it imply a hidden potential on my part to impose myself via gender? Is my paranoia a honed reception of their discomfort, thus justifying my concern? Do I insult or belittle via this assessment, forcibly catering those who did not ask to be looked after? If I overcome my discomfort and sit beside someone, is that bravery or forcing my presence on another for my own validation? Am I wrong for not worrying about men in this scenario? Should I not worry at all or worry about men to be fair? Do the associations stemming from my straightness necessitate guilt of something? Does the mere existence of this worry prove me undeserving of something else?

I feel good about it though. It's been a while since I've tried to reduce my perception into one bias or the other, and I feel good when I'm doing so. I like applying semiotics upon myself as audience? What does me say about my existing act when I enjoy a robust wine, or celebrate wrestling, or discuss the war in Iraq? Is that what I mean? Would I feel happier about ethics if I could cut everyone else out of the equation and reduce myself to something or the other? It's a pale imitation of what they're trying to tell me, that even mundane walk down the street can be a silent accusation, a silent threat, a silent superiority, that society would place them in positions which only betray them for not belonging to some quality which holds cultural or political supremacy. At least my particular paranoia is unjustified. At least my imagined soft threat is that, imagined and soft, unlike what it could be.

Still, I relish my skepticism and misanthropy. I will not let it go no matter what I ultimately support and sympathize. If that qualifies everything I could ever do and be for others, well, so be it.

I was befriended by a girl who speaks Russian, but I haven't really pushed further into the language since a week ago.

Wrote up some answers to a few interview questions I nibble on from time to time. They're probably easy scenarios but I'm figuring out good algorithms anyway. Then I started writing a game -- in Ruby, via a game engine -- due on code-talking over Sakura Island sushi with my coworker peer. I haven't yet gotten to real code, just started mapping my first sets of intended behaviours into a testing framework.


lambda
Posted on 2011.05.30 at 01:22
Current Music: Mastodon - Colony of Birchmen | Powered by Last.fm
Gave away three-quarters of my CDs to the Mennonite used-goods-for-charity store. Catherine was dumping stuff there, and I figured why not? Nobody has wanted my CDs in a while. Maintaining a list was becoming tiresome. I don't want to deal with having someone evaluate my collection, picking that which is sellable, setting a price, debating how much can be skimmed for themselves over the top.

I wound up grabbing two CDs from their collection. You win some you lose more, I guess. On the way out I heard a dude say "three bags and no gospel albums" while the cashier clerk shook her head. The way I figure it, what them Mennonite youth need more than another gospel record is a good listen to the "Lost Highway" soundtrack, or Ministry, or King Crimson. That being said, I'd love to hear a transcendent gospel album.

Bedroom is sufficiently clearer without bags of CDs getting in the way; having moved my DVDs into the "office", I may actually have a closet with a hope of having clothes put in.

I think I can see the conjugations in the two forms of 'know', though I still haven't touched the topic. Also, znau -> "know" is becoming cemented into my vocabulary. "chyem" -> "than"?

Took off my shirt at a party, which itself is no big thing, but given how I fear any exposure of my body to any and all, to suddenly do it on a whim was pretty neat.

In general, forgetting how to live (by going to India) means that I have forgotten a few bad old habits. Good ones too I'm sure, but so it goes.

Going to try meditating today. Or praying, to what I yet don't know. India rekindled a love of the religious by being so unashamed and (in the south, at least) rather civilized about its melange of deities. Not that I could ever convert to something existing, but I have no such qualms about making something up. I love religion, no atheist has yet convinced me that their belief systems were any less populated than my own, and I'm content using a more inclusive word than most around here do. That's fine, I just need to learn to keep that definition to myself and not inconvenience others with my sorting of the world. And I need to accept and outwardly practice my own chosen methodologies....
Robert Fripp will probably be involved, but I have a decent selection from which to mantra.

I feel closer --though I still could not wrap my hand around the thing -- of being able to accept my general hatred of things, that others will almost always suspect it of being something or the other, ... If I can accept this then I can hold tightly onto my most-cherished belief, my conclusion that nobody else could hate or judge myself better than I. And with that, perhaps I can even start to re-enter society, of finding associations, hobbies, of stepping in front of a crowd, of perhaps participating, letting others do their thing while I do my own, perhaps even collaborating for practical purposes. Can I find the inner peace to simply blink whenever a social interaction frustrates me? Can I be enter nirvana in the middle of civilization?


All the buildings are breaking down
Like the whispering in your heart
And it's sordid how life goes on
When I could take you apart
And if you give me half a chance
I'd do it now, I'd do it now, right now, you fascist
I know we could all feel safe like sharon tate
We could give it all up, we could give, give, give it all up


Returning from India was more difficult than I thought.
I should have taken a few days off work; even at partial capacity, the injection of a week's mundane rituals bled messily.
Everything, from the bus schedule to the mess of my room to the side profile of your garden-variety university nerd, would enrage me.
Working life and daily disagreements at home rankled even more, how spoiled the cat is and why I have to curb my appendage jitters for the aesthetic pleasure of another.

Being pulled from society has its joys. In India, I was visiting daily life itself, what my coworkers and family did in a reasonably daily basis. I wasn't invisible, but I was in an outsider place. Now that I'm back, I have to deal with all the things that used to annoy me but that I lived with. Since I spent three weeks not living it, acclimatization is excruciating.
 

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


lambda

Нихилизм

Posted on 2011.05.18 at 12:23
Current Music: Роберт Фрипп - Воздействия
Eкатерина (y'Catherine, I don't know what the ye-prefix is for) sometimes gets upset at my nihilism. She doesn't understand how a person can be so disaffected by various things, feminism, politics, social justice and the like, without picking a side so much as picking at concepts.

She wonders if it might be irreconcilable, the way mixed-religion marriages can be an issue.

Me, I have to wonder if my nihilism runs so deep that I try out believing in save-the-world bullshit. I've been drifting away from communities since I hit an event horizon sometime last year. It's honourable living, but I was tired of the various idiots I found in every community to whom I kept accidentally selling ironic cynicism as mutual extremism and tonguewagging belief. Also, truth be told, I'm no good to anybody except perhaps someday being fifty and in a monastery somewhere. Such populasceticism at my age is probably stunting, however. I can already feel my mind become applesauce.

If nothing else, it's a challange. If shared belief is the best way to meet new people, and new people are the best way to grow, can I trust my nihilism to the point where I can simultaneously let it go and hold on to it (i.e. accept the miserable lives of others without abandoning my own?)

lambda

Русские тест

Posted on 2011.05.17 at 11:49
Current Music: Стальной Дэн - короля Карла
Я дома.

lambda

Tect

Posted on 2011.05.06 at 17:26
I have been to Вена, but today I miss Торонто the most...

Throughout muct of the Bangalore trip, I've felt like Bill Murray in Lost in Translation without the on-film or off-film success.
Sadly, being at a business hotel, there is nobody cool around.

Even then, I have to resign myself to being quiet. My boss understood his role as loud tall white guy, and you could hear his laugh at almost any time. Perhaps it was the half-work/half-vacation aspect, but his good-natured belligerence really went up in contrast the the higher-context Indian culture of camaderie.

I couldn't sustain that. I made my jabs in here and there, but they were always parries in support of another. Strangely enough I can talk about business; maybe because I don't feel embarrassed about myself talking about that.

Today one of the hotel staff was like "ooh you're leaving tomorrow? How was your stay? How was your work? Where did your coworker go? Why isn't he here this week?" and I made good talk of that, but the whole time I feared some kind of trippage that possibly will never come. Andonce her questions were done ... well, I'm not that creative.

I did have a good time talking with my uncle and his family with my boss there. Enough talkers were there that I could jump from discussion to discussion, which is my far greater capacity.

In short: Even if a Scarlett Johanssen kind of role did fall into my lap, I'd probably squander it. I'd sure enjoy the Suntori, though.

lambda

A,T,O,M,K

Posted on 2011.05.05 at 09:28
Current Music: Boards of Canada - Roygbiv | Powered by Last.fm
I have much to say about Bangalore, but I haven't been drunk enough to properly express my feelings for the city.

In many ways, Bangalore is like Winnipeg; you try to escape it in some way, through reading or coding or what-have-you, but you simply fall asleep, you miss your train, the morning rises and you must start all over again.

In any case, I picked up a beginner's Russian book. It gives me something to do since I have no Internet and don't feel like travelling a few KM through an hour of traffic each day for the few areas of cultural interest that exist around here.

I also picked up a book on Arabic, but realized that I needed a pronunciation guide or a set of wave files (which the russian book DID come with.)


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